Just Why Hux Hates Kylo Ren AKA The Time They Got Attacked by Ewoks
by Darkwood Princess
Summary: How exactly did Kylo Ren get Darth Vader's old helmet? A crack fic involving city boy!Hux and sadistic camper!Kylo.
AN: This is pure crack. Nothing more to be said really. By the way, my depiction of Endor is totally inspired by surviving years of muggy West Virginia summers. Also, this fic requires you to have seen Return of the Jedi, which I feel like most of us have if you're reading this, but just in case!

 _Just Why Hux Hates Kylo Ren AKA The Time They Got Attacked by Ewoks_

There was something to be said for greatcoats. They were intimidating in the right situation, perfect for hiding dozens of weapons, and had the wonderful habit of attracting the ladies.

They were also hot as hell in the summer heat of the forest moon of Endor.

Kylo Ren, sith-wanna-be and General Hux's newest co-worker, was moving with a purpose through the undergrowth, as if they were on the smooth bridge of the _Finalizer_ instead of tramping through the brush in what felt like 130 degree weather.

Hux had wanted so desperately to believe in his new colleague, feeling that anyone Leader Snoke handpicked had to be awe inspiring and fearsome. Instead he'd gotten Ren, a Darth Vader fanatic in search of some relics on this backwards planet and while he was all for giving things the proper respect they deserved, he wondered if this little venture was going to end in triumph or sticky, sweaty disaster.

Currently it felt like sticky, sweaty disaster. He should have ditched his coat on the shuttle and appearances be hanged.

Ahead of him, the jedi formerly known as Ben Solo tried to pretend that he knew exactly where he was going and totally wasn't going off the long ago but unforgotten memories of campfire stories told by Luke Skywalker. Walking the forest paths of Endor was easy, he'd spent family vacations on this world once or twice, but his uncle had never really elaborated on which particular clearing he'd cremated Vader in.

Listening to the struggling breathing of Hux behind him, trying not to chuckle as he heard the General swear for the fifth time as his flame colored hair snagged on another low hanging branch, Kylo reached out with the force for any remnants of Vader, echoes that should have been clear in the relatively calm waters of Endor's force presence.

"Are we nearly there yet?" The bored upper crust tones of Hux had Kylo picking a more difficult path out of sheer peevishness. The General had a habit of putting on airs, something Kylo had learned at a young age to hate and couldn't quite breed out of himself, no matter the time and distance put between him and his estranged father.

An idea of pure evil, one worthy of his storied grandfather, struck Kylo and he decided that if he was going to be saddled with this city dweller for a travelling companion, he might as well get some fun scaring the bejesus out of him.

"We get there when we get there." The distorted synth of his vocal modulator filtered out the annoyance in his tone, similarly filtering out the mischief in his next statement. "You should keep your eyes open for the native fauna. Endor is known for its monstrous savages."

"Oh great. Why is this helmet so important anyways?" Hux swatted at midday midges and glowered at Kylo's back, his fair skin already reddening in the transient yet strong light. Who knew forests could be such miserable places?

"It is necessary to my training. If I were you I would focus on not being eaten by the famed Ewok. " Kylo stifled silent laughter at the sudden intake of breath behind him, imagining the General's expression.

"What in the name of the First Order is an Ewok?"

 _Ahh_ , Kylo thought with a bit of sadistic glee, _I love how the First Order refused to report what really destroyed the Empire's resources and soldiers here._ Of course it was positively embarrassing to be taken down by 3 feet teddy bears, but this time the propaganda was working in his favor.

"They are more massive than Wookies, with teeth the length of a blaster riffle, and enormous strength and strategic capability. They can snap a man's back in seconds and wear his bones as jewelry, trading their victim's hair as currency. Red is particularly rare and consequently favored."

Kylo was rewarded with Hux's small sound of panic, the sudden tenseness rolling off the neurotic man in waves, and had to mentally remind himself that as much fun as he was having at the ginger general's expense, he still had a mission to complete. They trudged on in comparative silence for another hour before anything of note happened.

It had been a small event really. Reptiles were a common enough creature in the galaxy, and Kylo had taken an instant love to them when he'd found out that a certain not to be named parent was terrified of them. Hux it seemed was in the same anti-reptile boat.

His shriek shattered the less than amiable silence and had Kylo whipping out his saber in defense before he realized that the threat was a tiny snake, nothing more than a baby really, hissing and striking at Hux's boot. The man seemed absolutely terrified and Kylo felt his already low opinion of the General sink even lower. A cursory glance at the General's mind showed a repressed memory, some sort of punishment from his youth that Kylo couldn't care less about, especially when the man was petrified by something so relatively harmless.

"General Hux," Kylo was unable to hold back his disgust, "It's merely a snake." He picked up the creature with the force, content on setting it safely aside when he caught sight of something that made even his composure disappear.

An army of snakes, each as thick as his arm, was slithering towards them in response to the hissing call of their lost youngling.

Kylo Ren ran, not even checking to see if Hux was behind him. He certainly didn't remember those from his childhood visits.

Kylo felt a tugging on his cape, and assuming that Hux had made it and was just as out of breath as he from running from the monstrous snake army, turned. Kylo screeched in surprise despite himself when he saw a fuzzy creature staring up at him with hungry eyes, and drooling.

Damn it. Ewoks.

Before the sith-in-training could react, a hail of rocks slammed into the two travelers, and Kylo remembered thinking faintly before he passed out that the force had a strange sense of humor.

When Hux came to the first thing that popped into his head was that he was going to kill Kylo Ren, mystic force powers or not, and he was going to kill him with the bluntest object available. Someone had divested him of all his clothing save his trousers, gagged him with a smelly rag, and placed him over a thankfully unlit fire pit.

One of the small and furry natives, _massive my freckled arse_ , was happily basting him with some sort of strange herbal mix, something that made him uncomfortably close to sneezing but not quite there. This mission had gone from barely tolerable to a complete and utter cluster mess.

He let out a strangled noise of frustration when he noticed that the natives were wearing his clothes as if they were prizes, his frustration dampened by a chill when he realized that they were using Empire era Stormtrooper helmets as bowls, the chill erased by a super nova of fury when he spotted Ren.

Kylo Ren was lounging in the shadows of one of the native's houses, a braided crown of flowers on his unhelmeted head, and quite a few Ewoks chattering at him excitedly.

Kylo noted exactly when Hux awoke and purposely ignored him. They were lucky that Wicket's tribe, of whom he was a member through the adoption of his parents, had been the ones to take them. It had been the work of minutes to prove his identity and thus fairly simple to be taken off the dinner menu.

Hux however, was not a member, and Kylo didn't really like him, preferring that the man be taken down a couple pegs before he was released. That and watching the Ewok children play dress up was funny in its own right.

Ignoring the struggling General who was quickly getting a full upper body sunburn, Kylo caught up with the tribe, not noticing until it was almost too late. The Ewok in charge of slaughtering their live dinner was wearing a very familiar helmet.

Kylo halted the proceedings almost immediately, the triumph of retrieving Vader's mask dulled by the annoyance that the Ewoks had been using such an important object as a cooking face shield. That and he had to rescue Hux. He hadn't been planning on feeding the Ewoks his co-worker, but he'd wanted to torture the obnoxious man just _a little bit more_.

The trip back to the shuttle was made almost entirely in silence, given that Hux was pointedly ignoring him in some misguided attempt to make Kylo feel shame or some other completely arbitrary emotion. As if he cared what the man thought. Oh no, he was having the last laugh, given Phasma's sharp intake of breath when a bare chested, dinner basted, unkempt Hux trudged into the ship behind an immaculate Kylo.

As he held his prize, gripped tightly in his hands and emanating the strength and glory of the dark side, Kylo came to the conclusion that this trip had been absolutely worth it.

Hux, seeing nothing more than a moldy old helmet and his own misery, vowed to one day unleash Starkiller on this monstrous world, preferably with Kylo Ren squarely on it.

Now if only someone would lend him a shirt.

AN: Reviews are love guys. 3


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